Um, villanelle.

The question is how to begin
To turn to the universe with
Your smallness, the brittle skin

Of your hands: stretch your fin-
gers, learn to breathe.
The question is how to begin

To emulate speech, to fall in
line, shine, flash your teeth;
For your smallness, the brittle skin

Conceal veins — hard, green —
Simmering venom beneath.
The question is how to begin

To un-begin, unravel, clean
Yourself off blank, along with
Your smallness, your brittle skin.

Dreams will wear you thin,
Beliefs collapse to myth.
The question is how to begin
From your smallness, your brittle skin.

This is a post title.

Yesterday Baba made narkol diye ilish machh (Borishaali, apparently) for dinner. I love when Baba cooks and doesn’t forget that I cannot eat jhaal, so the red chilli powder (or ground pepper, or slivers of chopped green chilli and variant thereof) begs to go easy on, despite the compromise of culinary integrity incurred therefore (a great sin, as far as my father is concerned).

It made me smile the way Baba prowled happily around the dining table radiating a triumphant halo while we ate and occasionally nudging Ma: ‘Borishaali, hNu hNu baba, Borishaali, bujhechho?’ The recipe was doubtlessly off a book or magazine, but it reminded me of a long time ago when my parents just couldn’t come to an agreement about whether the day-to-day food at home should be cooked the epaar Bangla way or the opaar Bangla way. I grew up around steadily lengthening lists of “weird things your Baba’s people eat” and “weird things your Ma’s people eat”, most of the items on which I don’t even recall because what I was demanding all that time was pizza. I half-suspect there’s a secret mutual list of “weird things the children eat”, topped off with the incomprehensible mantra that either cheese or chocolate makes everything better.

Hmm. Baba is very devious, in subtle ways I always failed to observe when I was younger. (He’s also energetic and explosive, and energetic and explosive people turn me into a completely puzzled neurovore). I think Baba doesn’t want me to go away to Dilli, though verbally he is being very encouraging, nearly runs off to buy flight tickets. I think I will let him cook a few more nonchalant dinners, Borishaali or otherwise, as long as he doesn’t find out that I’ve declined already.

11

My youngest niece was born on my birthday, in a small suburban town in midwest America where my cousin and her husband live. I have not seen her. My (presumably) oldest niece has recently got admitted to my university with some kind of engineering. I do not know her name. This girl too I have never met or seen in any photograph, or known of her particular existence till a few minutes ago. I am a woman rich in unseen (unmet, unknown) nieces.

10

It amuses me to  think in retrospect that the JNU English entrance was the first national-level competitive exam I have ever taken. (This hadn’t occured to me before/while I wrote the exam, or I’d have invariably got cold feet and refused to appear, not turned in the answer script or done something equally ludicrous.) Application procedures confuse and frighten me. For undergraduate the only college I had wanted to go to was in my home city (a fact I wasn’t entirely glad about), so I’d taken only that entrance. The BA entrance for JUDE is also theoretically a national-level competitive exam but in reality few people outside the state actually take it, so maybe I had it easier. Every time I had changed schools I applied to only one school at a time, less for any real security or excess of confidence than the fact that I simply did not feel the rush. The complacence nurtures itself inside my head and grows. I have to eventually push myself out of this habit of applying to only one course at only one institution, because the next time I’m sure I won’t get through.

Hmm. I’m never any good at pushing myself out of anything.

14th was nice. Good books, class singing, many chocolates, model Porsche (yay!), sketch that I just won’t say anything about, a beautiful evening sky over the city and most of the people I’d have liked to spend time with. It’s interesting how birthdays, anniversaries and such dates aren’t significant in themselves but for what you do with the excuse. I will think about this later and see if I can reach up to any (seemingly) profound conclusion. Not now. Tomorrow I go to the sea.